Burning Domination

The Bridesmaids (formerly known as Double D and the A-Cups) are more than ready to own the top step of the podium this year. Let this post serve as a warning, that we’ll be breaking legs and crushing dreams Saturday.

Our team has an average resting heart rate of 23 bpm. Our VO2 max is off the charts. Combined we take in more air per minute than a Bugatti Veyron going full tilt.
We have been on a strict diet of PBR and bacon since 1-1-09. We are so lean and chiseled, we look like Maria Shriver after a ten day fast.

Our bikes are stupid light. Made from a proprietary blend of carbon nano-tubes and hemp fiber. They are so light, DoubleD’s asthmatic wiener dog can carry one to the trailhead. The hand sewn tubulars are made from the fur of unborn panda pelts, and are crazy sticky. We are running hydrogen in the tires for added lightness.

But what really puts us over the edge is our prototype cycling computer, which is a joint venture between the Tandy Corporation, and Fischer Price. It systematically monitors our vital signs during training rides and relays them back to our Cray supercomputer for analysis by Dr Fuentes. The Statistical Analysis Computer (or S.A.C as its know) is somewhat heavy though and attached with massive zipties, so we’ll cut off our SAC’s before the race.

We will dominate this year. Stay home if you don’t like losing.